Fame Whore or Totally in Love? We Rate the Past Bachelors/Bachelorettes
Ben & Lauren
The show’s been over for seven weeks. Bravo, Ben and Lauren you actually made it longer than Britney Spears did in her first marriage. Which isn’t saying much. But are these love birds here to stay or are they still sucked into that typical honeymoon stage? Will they last the test of time or is Ben about to drop the l-bomb to another woman?
Rating: TPL (Total Puppy Love)
These two might seem head over heels for now, but we don’t foresee wedding bells any time soon. Or ever. Once they stop making googly eyes at each other and need to have a convo about feelings and BS, life will quit being so bachy and these two will cut ties for good.
Jade & Tanner
After Jade being nixed for her oh-so-scandy past and Kaitlyn giving Tanner the boot, these two spotted each other in Paradise through their tequila-induced haze. From the start to finish, these two escalated quickly with their televised admittance of "I love you." And the knot has been tied! Jade and Tanner became Mr. and Mrs. in January and their future begins with Paradise babies. Or will there be trouble in Paradise when Tanner realizes he doesn’t want “Mommy” to also be in a centerfold of Playboy?
Rating: TLK (True Love's Kiss)
These lil lovebirds are the real deal. These two sealed their fate with True Love's Kiss with their wedding back in January. We have faith these two are in it for the long run. Now when are we getting the announcement for the first Tolbert tyke?
Kaitlyn & Shawn
It's been one year since Kaitlyn had to battle it out with Britt for the crown of Bachelorette on one of the most awkward starts to the Bachelorette EVER. Chris Harrison was actually right on that one. But ever since we can't help but love Kaitlyn (& not just because on of us is named Kaitlyn). Refresher: Kaitlyn did the dirty with Nick Viall (the guy that likes to kiss & tell) and then made him get one knee before choosing sexy personal trainer Shawn. Unlike other bach couples, they're not rushing to the alter and actually trying to live a "normal" life. Will they make it work?
Rating: TLK (True Love's Kiss)
These kids are the real deal. Kaitlyn may never become a rapper and Shawn's cookbook will probably go nowhere, but we see these two sticking by each other. Also did you catch Kaitlyn on TED Canada? And for you dumbasses out there who don't know what TED talks are, they're pretty legit speeches on technology, entertainment, and design and you should get your shit together and watch one.
Lacy & Marcus
After being publicly dumped in his hometown, Marcus arrived to Paradise still pining over Andi and Lacy was ready to sink her claws into him and change his mind. Marcus didn’t seem interested, but a slip of his rose stole her away from Robert and the game of Bachelor in Paradise was changed. Who knew that sharing an ambulance ride could entail destiny?? The first Bachelor in Paradise success story! Chris Harrison must be so proud.
Rating: WTF ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Let’s get real – was that wedding even legitimate? Like do they have any family that isn’t castmates from the Bachelor? Is that marriage even legal or is it a fame-hungry publicity stunt? Lacey claims Marcus left for Marine Corps bootcamp, but then why isn’t she plastering her Instagram with sickly sweet, supportive pictures? The jury’s out on this one. We need answers.
Chris & Whitney
After getting burned by Andi, Chris set off on his quest for ~true love~. After going through every other girl to be his potential farmhouse-wife (including his infatuation for and denial by Virgin Becca), he finally settled on Whitney. Poor Whitney – walking blind in love into a catastrophe. And that ladies and gentlemen is why this couple is dunzo.
Rating: FAF (Fake as F***)
Was Chris even really into Whitney? LOL no. But he had to end the show with someone right? Did he literally look at her and think “well, guess I’m stuck with you now?” TBH though, which one of those girls would’ve been willing to give it all up for Hicksville USA? Let’s just put it out there – worst destinations for a Bachelor season ever. Chris got his extended fifteen minutes of fame with Dancing with the Stars, which is exactly what he wanted. Whitney is better off without that fraudulent nonsense in her life and has a new boy toy named Ricky Angel.
Andi & Josh
After Andi told Juan Puablo "ISSOKAY" is not going to fly anymore, the assistant district attorney turned future fame whore went on to find love with former baseball player Josh Murray. In her season, Andi told Nick (yes, same Nick from Kaitlyn's season) that his man scarves were too tightly wound and picked Josh and we all thought they would live happily ever after with his dog.
Rating: TPL (Total Puppy Love) turn FW (Fame Whore)
Andi joined Josh's family and looked all too similar to his sister and mother. Jandi called it quits after just 6 months of being engaged. Did it have anything to do with Nick telling the world they "made love" in the Fantasy Suite on the After the Final Rose show? We think yes. But "ISSOKAY" 'cause now Andi is coming out with a book and Josh is working on some protein shit.
Juan Pablo & Nikki
Juan Pablo took a break from his (supposed) soccer career and fatherhood to battle for Desiree’s heart and America thought he was just a sexy shirtless guy who required a lot of subtitles for Bachelorette episodes. Weren’t we in for a treat? Enter as The Bachelor, skyrocketing his notorious reputation of “ISSOKAY,” which he used in most cases, where it certainly was not okay. Despite canoodling with grandma Clare in the ocean, Juan Pablo chose Nikki, the drama queen of the household. And even though he can’t muster up an I love you, don’t worry, Nikki, he liked you… a lot. Obviously, the couple called it splits soon after, but not after trying to reconcile their love on VH1’s Couple Therapy.
Rating: FW (Fame Whore) x956742735
Was this even a real season? Juan Pablo quickly became the most hated Bachelor of all time, not only by Bachelor Nation and the contestants, but the Bachelor producers themselves. Supposedly, Juan Pablo did end up dropping the big “I love you,” according to Nikki, but we all know she’s a bucket filled with lies. Nikki’s drama days are over, since she just got engaged to her boyfriend of less than a year (but who’s counting?). Playboy Juan Pablo is currently trying to get with anything that has boobs. ISSOKAY though.
Desiree & Chris
Desiree was let go by Sean because her Bachelor goggles went haywire when she hired an actor to pretend to be her ex. And she’s thinking she’ll be a better Bachelorette? Right away, girl’s only got eyes for Brooks and it seems like a match made in heaven. Until Brooks decides he’s just not feeling all of the Des-love. Oh wait though… What about Chris and all of his stalkerish sweet poetry for Desiree? GAME. CHANGER. Chris proposes, Desiree says yes. And now, they’re married with a bun in the oven.
Rating: At first, FAF (Fake as F***); Now, TLK
Never thought I would see it coming because of Desiree’s obsession with Brooks. Hell, we all thought that the “After the Final Rose” was going to end with either Brooks and Desiree running off together or Desiree desperately crying about Brook’s mistake in leaving her. But now that we’re looking a little closer, how can you deny Ezra Fitz-look alike Chris? It doesn’t mean we’re not curious as to how he swayed Desiree to feel all dat Siegfried love though.
Sean & Catherine
Sean decided he didn't like sex that much and proclaimed himself the first "born again virgin" Bachelor because he knew he wouldn't gain any attention otherwise. Aren't we all born again virgins every morning? Regardless, the season started out with Lindsay, runner-up, stepping out of the limo in a full fledge Big Fat Greek Wedding dress and Sean didn't send her home and kept her to the finale. Basically set the expectations for this season. Sean admits he didn't notice Catherine until halfway through the season and finally chose her in the finally in Thailand.
Rating: TLK (True Love's Kiss)
Since Sean decided to "wait for marriage" (a little to late) and the televised ABC wedding was REALLY awkward. Chris Harrison had no other material than to keep asking about expectations for "the wedding night" and consistently winked at Catherine and Sean. Catherine also deemed the term "grown sexy" for the theme of her wedding and we all watched as she lingerie shopped and made America feel even more uncomfortable. Welp, we know they finally did the dirty because the couple is now expecting their first child and love to come back on the show to offer "advice" to fellow Bachelors/Bachelorettes.
Emily & Jef (with one F)
After Bachelor producers finally realized that Brad Womack was a douche, they invited America's sweetheart back for her own season of the Bachelorette, filmed right at her home in North Carolina. Just like ordering Seamless, right? Emily had some pretty awesome men (ahem Arie) on her season except for the guy that called her daughter Ricky "baggage" and boy did she know how to tell him off. None of the other guys had the balls to say anything, though--WARNING SIGN. Emily fell for Jef after he bought Ricky really ugly puppets that she would never play with and we thought maybe it would work as the three splashed around in a hot tub sized pool.
Rating: TPL (Total Puppy Love)
After the season ended, we found out Emily really sexting other people and Jef really likes younger women. Probably because he looked 14 himself. The Bachelor world seems to still care about Emily though, as they constantly report on her marriage and baby with new non-Bachelor nation husband.
Ben & Courtney
Ben somehow became the Bachelor, despite his disastrous middle part. Ben fell in love with Cruella de Vil as they frolicked in the ocean nakey. You can read details in Courtney’s tell-all book “I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends: Confessions of a Reality Show Villain.” Besides that Ben was pretty irrelevant.
Rating: FW (Fame Whore)
Clairol model Courtney tried to trump Charlie Sheen with the amount of times she said, “Winning” with the rose in her mouth and after a year she wanted to put something else there. WORDS people. Get your mind out of the gutter. The “author” now dates a guy from Tinder and Ben is still irrelevant.
Ashley & JP
When Ashley finally stopped crying for two seconds and wiped her eyes, she had a “WTF moment” and finally got over Bentley and dumped irrelevant, ugly middle part Ben in Figi, back when The Bachelor franchise still had a travel budget. Ash realized what we all knew at home all along: JP is HOT & NICE and he’s like really into her. Who else can pull off bald so well?
Rating: TLK (True Love's Kiss)
We all thought JP would get sick of Ashley’s bipolar personality but the two have stuck together throughout the years, and they now reside in Miami with their little mini Jewish JP named Fordham. They're one of our our fav couples yet. (That being said, we have slim pickings)
Brad & Emily
Deemed as “the most hated in America” after dumping both women in his first season of The Bachelor, ABC ran out of options and invited Brad back to find TRUE love, again. The season started off right with some ballsy bachy girl slapping him across the face and saying “that’s from every girl in America.” Touche. Brad picked the most obvious choice that season--the blonde, beautiful, single mother Emily Maynard.
Rating: TPL (Total Puppy Love)
Since everyone believed Emily’s intentions were true and with Brad WAY under her level, we all thought it might actually work. Nope. Emily got sick of Brad and Texas pretty quickly and moved her and her daughter Ricky back to North Carolina.
Ali & Roberto
Ali may be the dopest Bachelorette EVER. Ali dumped plane flyer Jake midseason for her career at Facebook--so basically she’s cool, beautiful, and smart. Probably after realizing Facebook’s “unlimited vacation” policy didn’t include two seasons of a TV show, Ali quit her job to find love again with Spanish beau Roberto.
Rating: TPL (Total Puppy Love) / Sorta FW
We had high hopes for Ali and her converse wearing partner, but in typical Bachelor fashion they didn’t last long. Though I don’t want to characterize Ali in the FW category, she did go on to work for E! But we think that makes her bachy AF. Ali’s now pregnant with her fiance Kevin and Roberto was never to be heard of again--except when producers had a mini brain-fart and thought about casting him as a Bachelor.
Jake & Vienna
Everyone thought Ken doll lookalike Jake would make a great bachelor. WRONG. He chose cross-eyed Vienna over America’s sweetheart Tenley.. Tenley seriously dodged a bullet there. Did anyone watch their LIVE break up? Like first of all ABC, did you really have nothing better to broadcast? Jake actually scared me when Vienna interrupted him. Needless to say they’re over.
Rating: FW (Fame Whore!!!!!!!!!)
The couple of fame whores got their two seconds and probably planned the whole thing. Jake went on to do Dancing with the Stars and now is on some soap opera that only old ladies in their 80s watch at 3 pm every day. I swear I saw Vienna and her family on some other reality show deep in the Florida forest hunting for gators or some shit. I don’t honestly care enough to look any further.
Jillian & Ed
Our little Canadian Jillian seems like she was the Bachelorette forever ago. Jillian was head over heals for Ed the whole show...but apparently so were a lot of other girls. It’s rumored Ed was quite the playboy and you can see that when he returns for the stupid Bachelor spinoff game shows that need not be named.
Rating: FW (Fame Whore)
Little Jillian may not be so innocent. Instead of disappearing from the spotlight, Jillian was on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and is now the host for HGTV’s Love It or List It. Ed...well who cares.
Jason & Melissa...well Molly
Now this one is just awkward. Do we write about Melissa or Molly here? For all of you Bachelor youngins, Jason chose Melissa at the finale and then dumped her at the After the Final Rose and asked for Molly back and Molly said ‘told you so’ and accepted his better-late-than-never final final rose. Or something like that.
Rating: TLK (True Love's Kiss) Take 2
Jason and Molly are extremely happy and have little baby. The two also made a podcast, the only podcast I’ve ever listened to, and dumped all of ABC’s secrets. SPOILER MOMENT: The producers make the contestants say certain things to the bachelor/bachelorette or they won’t get time with them. Molly says she was forced to say so many things she would never typically say. You have to love how they create true love!
We're stopping here because everyone else is basically washed up and old at this point...except...
Trista & Ryan
Trista was our first-ever Bachelorette and basically the bachiest of them all. Her and Ryan are totally hot MILF's and DILF's and the pride and joy of the Bachelor franchise.
Rating: TLK (True Love's Kiss)
Trista and Ryan make guest appearances at all Bachelor/Bachelorette events to remind America on the VERY rare occasion sometimes maybe The Bachelor leads to true love. Will Jojo get her forever like this? Tune in May 23rd and follow along with us every week as decide if her love is TLK or FAF.
All images stolen from giphy and google.
